The Four Ways I Knew That My Kinky Relationship Had Become Abusive

How do you know when a kinky relationship becomes abusive? One domestic abuse survivor reveals what happened to him: 

When I was younger, I always loved getting tied up by a friend.

It started as boys rough-housing. And then, one day, my best friend got a skipping rope and tied my arms behind my back.

It turned me on, feeling both helpless and fighting against the strain.

We did it more. Somewhere along the line, it became him trying out new ways of tying me up.

It awakened something in me, something that would change how I would forever see sex, relationships and submission.

I think I masturbated to bondage and fetish gay porn even before I knew what vanilla sex was.

It didn’t matter if it was a man or woman doing the domination, it just mattered that a man was submitting and feeling powerless.

I couldn’t help but want to be the same; a slave in service to a master.

As I went through various time-wasters and fantasists in my early 20s, I finally met a man that felt different. I was 25. He was 20 years older, he was strict, he was in charge, and I immediately fell for him hard.

Each message from him online sent a stir down inside. Each picture I sent of my body in submissive poses would make me want to cum. I had to meet him.

The first time we met, we had an instant connection. When he tied me up and fucked me, I felt cared for. Domination felt like an embrace.

For the next month or so, we played almost every day. It was like a secret, knowing that I belonged to someone else. I walked in the world as a free man but I knew deep down I was a slave.

And then he offered to take it further: a 24/7 bondage relationship. It had come at the right time. I had just been fired from my job, and I had no idea what I was going to do or where to live next.

He offered to take care of me, look after me, in return for 24/7 submission. How could I refuse?

1 He didn’t trust me

One of the first things he did was put a tracker on my phone. He could track where my phone was at any time. So if he told me to go to food shopping, he would look to see if I went anywhere else. If I did, I would be punished.

His jealousy was also something else.

At first I loved being his ‘model’ on Recon. He would demonstrate his rope technique on me in a bid to welcome other boys in his dungeon.

But then we’d get messages asking to ‘use’ the boy in the photos. He would accuse me of being a ‘slut’ and a ‘whore’. The words were coming out of anger.

If we were out at a club, he would punish me for flirting – even if I was just speaking to another guy. Punishment became his favorite way of exercising his jealousy.

2 He didn’t respect my limits

And then there was the punishment. When we first met, starting to engage in a kinky relationship, I said a hard limit was watersports. I never wanted to get peed on. It’s fine if you like it, but it wasn’t for me.

It became one of his favorite punishments for me, especially because he knew I didn’t like it.

I told him, several times, that I didn’t want to do it. And then, afterwards, he said he had been ‘caught up in the moment’.

3 He isolated me from friends and family

Becoming a 24/7 ‘slave’ was exhausting. He would wait for me to make plans with friends and then force me to cancel on them at the last minute.

This one time, a long-time friend was having his birthday. As I was getting ready to leave, he told me I wasn’t allowed to leave. I had to have sex with him instead.

Why didn’t I just go anyway? Why didn’t I fight back? I wish I had. But he kept saying I would have nowhere to live without him.

People stopped calling. I stopped getting invited to things. I thought no one cared and he was right. He was the only one I had left.

4 He thought he knew what was ‘best’ for me

That’s the one thing I remember he always said: he knew what was ‘best’.

He said he knew what was best for me emotionally, physically, sexually. But for that year, I was trapped. Trapped in a turn on that had turned toxic.

I remember, one day, a friend reached out. They asked, ‘Are you OK? I’m worried about you.’

And I just stopped. No one had asked me that, a genuine question of concern, in a long time. I said no, I wasn’t. And we kept on talking.

It’s been three years since then. Taking myself out of that situation was so hard. I realize I had been manipulated at a time when I was at my lowest point. And because I was looking for help, and affection, in any form it took, I took it where I could find it.

It was a long time before I engaged in kink again. It took some therapy and reconnecting with friends, but I think I’m OK again.

I’ve even ventured back out there on the dating scene. And in the kinky world, I’ve come to realize there are definitely guys that believe in consent and respect. I can’t wait to meet the one that’s right for me.

Need help?

If you are experiencing any signs of domestic abuse, remember – you’re not alone.

Are you in the US? Contact The Anti-Violence Project hotline: 1-212-714-1141.

Are you in the UK? Contact Galop, who run the National LGBT Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428

Or see our list of global support services for LGBTI people, in alphabetical order.

If you want to share your story of domestic abuse, please contact James Besanvalle or Joe Morgan.

Growing Up Southern Baptist and Finding My Queer Identity

sean-mungur

I was probably 12 years old when I realized my religion didn’t accept me.

While I grew up in Southern Baptist circles, my parents weren’t active churchgoers. But in Jackson, Mississippi, children couldn’t quite grow up without the interference of Christianity. Vacation bible school and youth service were common among my peers. In my town, there was The 180, a former conventional skating rink that had been converted into a massive social space for teens and preteens to skateboard, play pool, eat a burger, and praise Jesus at youth-oriented services.

During one such service, a man asked us to raise our hands if we had not been saved. I raised mine. Before I left, he escorted me and a few others into a room where he “saved” us. I wasn’t quite sure what he was saving us from, but he told us all we had to do now was to ask forgiveness and our sins would be washed away.

Apparently, no matter what I did to right the wrongs in my life, it didn’t matter if I didn’t ask for forgiveness. This sudden realization felt like I was constantly being watched and judged. And there are so many sins to keep up with, I frequently found myself fearing eternal damnation. So it became a nervous tick to recite to myself, “Please forgive me for my sins, Lord. In your name I pray, amen.”

Around this time, I asked my mom to buy me this bible for teens from Walmart. It was a paperback with footnotes that explained Bible verses in terms that our little brains could comprehend. When I got home, I flipped to the index at the back and found “homosexuality.” It led me to a couple of ambiguous verses that plenty of self-proclaimed Christians consistently use to oppress LGBTQ people. And in the footnotes, it said something to the effect of, “Don’t fool yourself. Homosexuality is a sin. Any act on same-sex desires will surely be judged in the end.”

As a pubescent closeted queer boy, this was quite the time to learn that the things coming so naturally to my mind were sinful. I looked for ways to change myself, but it felt useless. I remember seeing But I’m a Cheerleader, and thinking maybe there’s hope if I can find a place like this.

But as I began discovering myself, both mentally and physically, I started to truly understand shame. I began masturbating about as frequently as I ate, which as an adolescent boy was a lot. And everytime I finished, the act was immediately followed with an unwavering sense of self-loathing.

“Please forgive me for my sins, Lord. In your name I pray, amen.”

At some point in my late teen years, I found the courage to come out. Even though I still considered myself a Christian, I knew it was the only way I’d be happy. I was no longer going to church, but I tried to live by what I thought it meant to be a Christian.

As a queer Christian, I looked for other progressive Christians who could help me debunk these centuries-old verses that so many believed to denounce my identity. There were plenty just like me, seeking those same answers, defining God’s words as all-loving and therefore accepting of queer people.

But I still found the bible consistently thrown in my face as justification for homophobia, racism, war, and all the other atrocities that right-wing America continues to commit. I’d tell my queer friends that those people aren’t real Christians. That’s not what Christianity is about.

It wasn’t until I discovered Safe Harbor Family Church when I was back home in Jackson for an extended stay, that everything fell into place. This beautiful congregation was made up of mostly queer people that did not feel welcome in other religious spaces. They’d been discreetly meeting since the ‘90s, providing a safe space for queer Christians and their allies.

The people there took me in with open arms and treated me like one of their own. But as I sat through the service, I began to see things in a different light. It was the first time I’d seen my own spirituality through an objective lens. I was sitting in a pew as a pastor read centuries-old bible verses to us like a children’s book.

This was what I was supposed to shape my life around, an intangible, unproven concept thought up by people who are no longer around to defend it. And for centuries, it’s hurt more people than it’s helped.

I consider myself to have a pretty decent moral compass, I know right from wrong. And I can believe there might be a higher power, whether it’s God or nature, but how am I supposed to blindly say I know what it is? Is this God such a narcissist that every good thing you do has to be out of your devotion for him or her, instead of just doing it because it’s the right thing to do?

I admire anyone with strong moral convictions, regardless of what religion they may or not be in service of. But I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m not a Christian, as much as that might break my mother’s heart. It feels like coming out all over again.

As a 27 year old queer atheist, I still frequently find myself asking forgiveness for my sins. It’s a habit. But it also let’s me know that my moral compass and whatever qualities I wished to preserve from my former Christianity are still intact.

Check out the original story here: Out Magazine.

 

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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This Powerful Short Film Highlights The Stigma That Still Surrounds HIV

#HIVDoesntDefineYou.

A new short film titled JUS+ LIKE ME has been created to combat the stigma that still surrounds HIV.

It profiles Philip Antony Dzwonkiewicz, an HIV activist and Mr Gay England 2018 on his journey to launch the campaign and break down myths that still persist.

It was created in collaboration with Positive East, and directed by Samuel Douek.

“Advancements in treatment and prevention for HIV have seen a drastic fall in numbers of new diagnoses,” the opening scene explains.

“But as we move further away from the memory if the AIDS epidemic a new era of complacency, stigma and lack of education is emerging.”

This film aims to tackle this new chapter in the fight against HIV/AIDS, hoping to break down what has been described as the Second Silence.

You can watch the full 15-minute short film above for free.

It was made to coincide with the 30th annual World AIDS Day last weekend.

Last week it was revealed that the United Kingdom is one of the first countries to exceed its UNAIDS 90-90-90 targets, which were set as part of the ongoing battle against HIV/AIDS.

Public Health England reported that an estimated 92% of people living with HIV in the UK have been diagnosed, 98% of those diagnosed were on treatment, and 97% of those on treatment were virally suppressed.

The report added that there are an estimated total of 102,000 people living with HIV in the UK in 2017.

Of that total, 8% (8,200) were unaware of their infection.

However, 87% of all people living with HIV had an undetectable viral load as result of effective treatment and were unable to pass on their infection to other people.

Check out the original story here: Gay Times Magazine.

 

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city.

Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

 

Don’t get fooled by free offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a FREE 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

 

D.C. May Soon Have America’s Toughest Conversion Therapy Ban

The White House in rainbow colors.

The D.C. Council approved two pro-LGBTQ bills and one “Sense of the Council” resolution yesterday.

The first bill – the Conversion Therapy for Consumers Under a Conservatorship or Guardianship Amendment Act of 2018 – bans licensed mental health professionals from providing conversion therapy for “a consumer for whom a conservator or guardian has been appointed.”

Currently, D.C. bans conversion therapy for minors, like 14 states do. The new law will extend that protection to adults who are in the care of another person.

“An individual whose medical decisions are made by a guardian or conservator is in a dependent status and could be subject to conversion therapy against their will,” according to testimony from Dr. Marc Dalton, Chief Clinical Officer at the D.C. Department of Behavioral Health.

The council gave the bill unanimous support in its second reading, and Mayor Muriel Bowser is expected to sign it. It will then go to the U.S. Congress for 30 days for approval, as all D.C. laws do.

If passed, the D.C. law would be the first in the nation to ban conversion therapy for some adults.

The council also unanimously supported a bill that would require D.C. public and charter schools to administer the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System survey.

The confidential survey asks students questions about their sexual orientation and gender identity.

The bill would also require the city’s Department of Health to participate in the CDC’s Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System, which also includes questions about sexual orientation and gender identity.

D.C. Council member David Grosso said that fear that the Trump administration would eliminate the sexual orientation and gender identity questions inspired the bill, which is due for its second reading later this month.

The third measure – a “Sense of the Council” resolution – passed unanimously. The resolution denounces an effort led by the Department of Health and Human Servicesto redefine gender as sex assigned at birth in order to deny legal protections to transgender people.

The council also approved gay activist Peter Rosenstein’s nomination to the D.C. Office of Employee Appeals.

Check out the original story here: LGBTQ Nation.

 

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city.

Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

 

Don’t get fooled by free offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a FREE 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!